Day: July 23, 2017

This is more than a pic spam.

I’ve just made plans to go back up to New York to visit for a couple of days. I’ll be having lunch with my M.A. adviser, which I’m looking forward to, but which also prompted me to go back through my Facebook photos. Because despite where I am now, that year of earning my M.A. was the darkest of my life. I was so overwhelmed by graduate school that I fell into depression, and I was in it for months until I had a breakdown and was able to (very slowly, and by the grace of God) claw my way out of it. The first half of these pictures are of me during my depression, and the rest are me at different points during and after my recovery. Putting the rest below a cut since it got long, but this is a story in pictures of how I fought depression–and came out the other side. This is meant to be encouraging, and I hope that maybe it helps other people who are in places similar to where I was.

1. November 2014 – I was almost certainly depressed at this point, but not yet aware of it. Even though I’m smiling, you can see in my eyes that something is not quite right. 

2. February 2015 – I knew something was wrong at this point, but I was still knee-deep in fighting it. I was still in a toxic work environment and was starting my second semester. One thing these two pictures have in common was that I was trying, in both of them, to look like a Disney Princess through makeup and hairstyles. I was clinging to something familiar and youthful as a way to fight my depression, but it really wasn’t working out. 

3. December 2014 – This is out of order, but I want to put it here because this was my 21st birthday, just two days after I had a major panic attack and breakdown that revealed to me and to my parents just how bad things had gotten. I’m smiling in all these pictures, but inside I just felt hollow and like I was sitting alone in a big, dark, empty room. Nothing made me happy anymore, and I’d lost confidence in the one thing that had always been stable for me–school. A couple of days later I got very sick and lost my voice for ten days … but it forced me to rest, which I desperately needed.

4. April 2015 – I’m making progress. I decided to deliberately pursue something that made me happy–theatre–even if I was terrified of the time commitment and the stress. This is me ready to go on as Galinda in a Wicked recital. Choosing to go back to theatre probably saved me, if I’m being honest (second to God). It brought a little bit of joy back into my life, and reminded me that there was more to me than my academic success.

5. September 2015 – I just got new glasses. I have my own car, my own apartment, and I’m free from that toxic work environment and grad school. I’m still not totally recovered, and it shows here. If I recall correctly, I had another panic attack right around this time because of fear and financial concerns. I still had no clear direction in life, but things were starting to look up. I could see the sun again.

6. April 2016 – I continued doing theatre through the fall and spring and started substitute teaching. I had started to put a life together for myself and things had stopped seeming quite so scary. A month prior to this, I’d gotten a new sales job. I was starting to feel like a real adult. And then, a few days before this picture was taken, I was offered full funding to attend my dream school and pursue what I’d wanted to do for so long. I remember feeling euphoric when I snapped these selfies. By this time, I’d really, finally, started to feel free.

7. December 2016 – Christmas Day in Indiana, dressed up to go to a church that I love and wearing an ACOTAR necklace that my brother gave me. I have things that make me happy again–books, a church family, my work … I was terrified that going back to grad school would shove me down again, but by the grace of God it didn’t and hasn’t. I’m living my dream.

8. April 2017 – In this picture I’m dressed up to present a paper at a colloquium held by my department. Ten days earlier, I’d been offered a publishing contract with REUTS. No depression in sight.

This is me now. I was beaten down hard by depression in ways that I’m still only just beginning to understand. Until now, I’ve looked at these pictured and only seen the weight loss (bc that’s also a thing, though a post for another day), but I’ve never really focused on how dead inside I looked in those earlier pictures. Maybe it’s only obvious to me, but I can tell. And I wanted to share this because I know many of my followers are dealing with depression and anxiety, and it can beat you to a pulp some days. I know. I’ve been there. But I’ve also made it out the other side. It does get better. I relied on my faith in Jesus and my family to get me through (I was never formally diagnosed but it’s really undeniable looking back at it), but it was a hard fight that took over a year to recover from. And honestly, I’m still a little afraid that it might come back one day. At least I know that if it does, I’ve fought this fight before and I can do it again. 

You all are so strong, and depression is no match for you. Keep on keeping on, and remember that my inbox is always open should anyone need to chat. I’m sharing this so that you know you’re not alone, and that you do not have to struggle on your own. 

❤ ❤ ❤

Sarah