Not long ago somebody asked me my opinion on casual sex and I said that some ppl aren’t built for it on an emotional level but do it anyway and feel used.
I’d like to add that casual sex is just plain dangerous for women. Morally, who cares? I’m not into purity, saving yourself for marriage, or any of that. I firmly believe people should have sex when they feel like having sex in a consensual situation.
However, I would feel like I’m doing a disservice to any young women considering casual sex if I didn’t say that shit is potentially dangerous.
Out of all the men in the world, a lot of them are manipulators if not actual rapists. You have the violent rapists who are the minority but then you have the ones who will coyly try to make you wasted to lower your defenses, you have the ones where you consent to one thing and they take your defenseless during the act to force you into something you did not sign up for. Whether that is removing a condom, letting another man or men into the room, doing a sex act you’re not comfortable with, recording it and later disseminating it. This stuff is sooooo common!
And I’m not even gonna get into the ones who will say what you want to hear to get you to have sex. And then rescind it immediately afterwards.
Casual sex is physically and it is emotionally dangerous for women. Period. Any woman who has lived on a college campus knows this either firsthand or thru the experiences of their friends.
You don’t know what kind of man you’re dealing with if you know little about him, if you haven’t spent time with him. Even if you feel you do know him, you’re still at risk because some men are great actors. But when you don’t know him you really have zero idea what you’re getting yourself into.
Am I saying don’t have casual sex? No. I am saying know the risks. Really understand the risks. Because it is a very dangerous world for women and sexual exploitation is as serious as it is common. Don’t think it won’t happen to you.
is not something that really happens to me and I am not interested in pressuring myself into doing anything -from flirting to having a relationship- just to please anyone other than myself’. We all struggle in different ways. Personally, I am still searching more about my sexuality and I have the urge to define myself because I cannot identify with the people close to me and sometimes knowing more about others who are going through similar situations feels nice. At the same time I am trying to
not define myself by a label because we don’t all experience things the same way. At this point I am just trying to observe how I physically and emotionally feel and just roll with it without judging myself.
This ask is a bit aggressive, nonnie, not gonna lie.
I’m not picking and choosing what parts of my faith I like and don’t. But I’m not a perfect person, and every day I’m learning what’s important to me and how to live my faith authentically. I’m learning how Scripture is applied to my own life, and I’m learning how to be obedient. Every time I think I’ve got something figured out, it turns out that I really don’t, and I’m just trying to be open to those learning experiences.
There are also some misunderstandings about sex and sexuality that are more dependent on tradition and man’s rules rather than Scripture. There’s famously erotic poetry in the Bible, for example. The Purity Culture™ is not Biblical. I don’t think sex or sexuality are inherently bad–it’s how we practice them. It’s also a very personal decision. What causes one person to stumble or what isn’t good for them is different from someone else. I’m asexual, so I don’t experience lust, but I can stumble in different ways when it comes to purity and a healthy sexuality.
To be quite honest, I’m not really interested in being cross-examined about this. It is personal, and while I don’t mind being open about some of this stuff, I’m going to maintain my privacy in other areas. Thanks. 🙂
(2/?) so this friend just said something about me liking girls, I can’t quite remember, so I corrected her with bi because @ the moment that felt the safest and truest, although it still didn’t fit quite right. Anyway, because this friend actually kind of sucks sometimes she told my twin, who confronted me about it at lunch, and I handled it all wrong. So it was sort of unresolved. So fast forward, we have a sleepover w a bunch of friends. I kind of wanted to tell my friends at that point but k
(3/?) kept chickening out. So then there was some comment and it was late so I sort of kind of came out and there was an awkward silence for a sec but then we just kept talking which actually made me really happy. And then my twin ruined it. It was way after we had actually had this convo and we were discussing politics, feminism, etc bcuz we’re like that and she randomly asks “so r u really I?” For a second I thought she realized I was questioning & was actually relieved but then she followed w
(4/?) “bouzouki a lot of girls in our school fake for attention.” And… this really hurt me. Because already I was doubting myself and really insecure on my sexuality. To me, it wouldn’t really matter if I realized I was straight or gay, I kind of just want to figure this out, but every time I reblog, talk about something from a certain sexualities viewpoint I wonder if I really have the right if that makes any sense? Like what if it turns out I’m something else and I have to come out as somet-
(5/?) thing else. And then it’ll seem like I was faking. Or what if I’ve spent my time here saying I understand a minority viewpoint as an LGBT and then in really just an upper middle class straight white girl? Idk if this even makes any sense, but my twins comment just made me even more insecure and from her, whose supposed to be supportive, always, and the only other truly feminist liberal of my friends. And I couldn’t even confidently say I was bi, bouzouki I’m not sure. Also, there aren’t a
(6/6) lot of girls faking. Out of my grade of almost 500, I know of 10 people who have come out. So her claim doesn’t even make sense, and I guess is just her hidden prejudice, which I expected from some, I guess, just not in my town, my family, and especially not her.
Hey, honey. This does sound upsetting and I’m sorry you’re struggling with it. Here’s a hug!
First of all, I want to let you know that it’s 100% TOTALLY OKAY that you don’t have your sexuality figured out yet! You sound pretty young, and it’s good that you’re thinking about it and examining yourself. But you don’t have to have a definite answer! I was 20 before I even heard of asexuality, and it took me several months to even get comfortable with the idea. And don’t get me started on my romantic orientation. It took even longer to come up with something that fit for that. So, there’s no hurry. Also, sexuality is fluid and can change over time, so just because a label fits you for a little while and then doesn’t fit anymore doesn’t mean you were wrong to use it! And for someone in your position, who is pretty sure they’re not straight but isn’t sure what their orientation is, there’s a little for that: Q, for Queer/Questioning. This is a perfectly valid way to be!
It can be really hurtful when friends and family invalidate us. My mom doesn’t really think asexuality is a real thing, and that still stings. I’ve decided just not to talk about it unless it’s super relevant to the person or conversation. I’m out on tumblr and other social media, but in real life, I’ve decided it’s no one’s business but mine. That might not work for you–you might really want support from friends irl. Just take care of yourself and make sure it’s safe and healthy for you to be vulnerable with the people you’re choosing to come out to. It’s a scary thing, and you deserve to only be open with people who will love and support you. ❤
Hang in there, and you’ll be just fine. My inbox is always open.
she can reassure me, but if she finds out and tel’s my dad…. they’ll disown me. I remember my dad used to say, “If I ever find out you have sex now, O____, you’re a goner.” I hate myself.
First of all, let me give you a big, stinkin’ hug. You sound like you’ve been run through the wringer, and I want you to know that you will be okay and that I’m here to listen. Now, there are a couple of things I’ll ask for your well-being (you don’t have to answer me, but know the answers for yourself).
1. How old is your boyfriend? Is he over 18, even just a little? If so, you need to tell an authority figure because that is statutory rape and is illegal.
2. Did you wholeheartedly tell him “yes”? In the moment, did you absolutely want to do it and did you tell him “Yes, I want to do this”? If you didn’t, or if he pressured you in any way, that also counts as rape and you must tell an authority figure.
If neither of these two things is an issue, you’re on surer ground, but you still have some things to deal with. First of all, did you give him permission to talk to his friends about it? They have no right to be spreading your private matters around. If it does reach the principal, you have just as much a case against them for violating your privacy. I know that’s not your major concern, but keep that in mind.
I’m sorry you felt like you had to have sex so that your boyfriend wouldn’t break up with you. But I think you need to ask yourself if that’s a relationship worth keeping. If something so small would cause him to walk away, what would make him stick around through even bigger challenges? I know you’re both young, but I think you need to value yourself in this case and ask yourself if he’s the kind of guy who was in it for one thing or not. Sadly, those sorts of guys do exist. It doesn’t mean he didn’t like you, but if he made you feel like he was going to leave if he didn’t get sex from you, it means he really didn’t value you as a whole person or respect your perspective.
When it comes to your parents, I understand being afraid to tell them, especially if they have made threats like that before. Were those things said in a joking or hyperbolic way? Do you trust that your parents won’t put their money where their mouth is? It could be, when actually faced with a situation where their child is hurt and upset, that they might not go through with what they claimed. I don’t know your parents, but this is a possibility. If you’re sure they’ll act on what they’ve said, find another authority figure in your life. A friend’s mom, maybe. A trusted aunt, uncle, or cousin. Even a teacher you know and trust should be able to help you with this and not involve the principal or your parents if you tell them your concerns. If you have absolutely no one irl to talk to about this, here’s a Sex Ed Hotline for teens (includes text/chat options), and they can give you more specific advice for your situation.
I’m sorry, honey. This sounds like a difficult situation to navigate. But I want you to know that you are not broken or dirty or a failure because of this. You made a decision that you now regret, and that’s all there is to it. I’m very proud that you used protection. But even as you work through this tough phase, take the opportunity to learn something about yourself, your sexuality, and your expectations from your partners in the future. Read up more about how to know you’re really ready, and don’t rush into it. Again, you’re not a failure, nor should you hate yourself. You’re young. Use the opportunity to learn and grow as a person. I hope you can work something out with your parents, and if you can’t, take care of yourself first and foremost. I’ll be thinking of and praying for you.
oh dear god reading what shit ppl have to say against all the sex in ACOMAF and EoS is just…so laughable.
Look…when I was 16…I would have read whatever books I wanted regardless of the sex in them. I read tons of adult books. I read Anne Rice’s vampire chronicles when I was like 15. Now, those books are not sexually explicit in the same sense as sarah’s books but they are….sexual. And definitely for adults. I read YA books that had sex. I read adult books. I read romance novels. I browsed the adult section of the library all I wanted.
And did my parents have an issue with it? My dad- yes. My mom? No. My dad was worried I would get the wrong idea from these books. Little did he know, I was already getting the wrong idea from other places and the books I read usually…helped me? And explained things to me that I was too afraid to ask adults about? Like…my parents never gave me the sex talk. They are damn lucky I read book with sex in them and that my school had sex ed. Because idk how I would have turned out otherwise.
Look…there is nothing wrong with teenage girls reading about sex…especially loving sex that includes female orgasm and female pleasure. I mean in a perfect world, teenagers wouldn’t be bombarded by sex in the media. But they are. And it’s usually not sex that includes positive representations of women and female pleasure. So…I’m not going to get upset over YA books that include sex scenes w female pleasure? (both rowaelin’s scene and feysand’s) And emphasizes waiting for the right moment? (both again) And emphasizes knowing your partner well? And emphasizes trust in your partner (manorian). And emphasizes how it’s an important choice that needs consideration (elide).
In Sarah’s own words:
SJM: My editor never once said “you need to tone the sex down.” I mean I said [to my editor], “there’s basically like a sex marathon in A Court of Mist and Fury… .” But with all the intimacy in there … I wanted it to be part of the healing process for both characters, but I also think, you know, when I was teenager and even younger I read up — and I never would have gone to my parents with sex questions or sex ed in school. Books were the one place — especially romantic fantasy — where I could see these adult relationships play out and I got a sense of what a loving adult relationship could be like.
I think it’s important to have positive sexual relationships in books, especially where both parties are in love … not for the shock value. That whole “sex marathon” in ACOMAF — there’s so much healing and love. I feel really lucky that my editor saw that and saw that we needed positive representations of sex and that it’s OK not to just have sex, but to enjoy it, and for young women [to see that]. I firmly believe that young women can be with as many men as they want, we can have as many boyfriends as we want, we can change our minds, there are no limits to what we can do. I’ve been really grateful that I’ve been able to show a more real [sexual portrayal] of multiple relationships that [Feyre] has and not the whole fade-to-black thing.
I also think that…plenty of YA novels include graphic violence. And I just fail to see how that is any more excusable than sex? Especially loving sex?
I realize there are reasons to disagree with this post, and I’m just going off of my own experience as a teenager. And how for me, personally, reading about sex was a good thing. And how it…helped me learn that my body wasn’t something to be ashamed of? And that my desire for sexual pleasure didn’t make me weird? or a slut?
Also, the worst possible thing for me when i was 16 was trying to censor what I was reading. That just…always angered me beyond reason. And I just think that every person has to make their own determinations about what literature they want to read? And censoring books and taking certain books away from teens is not the answer because they are just going to find something similar? Or read it anyways?
And not every book is going to work for every person. Like someone might pick up ACOMAF and be revolted by the sex scenes. Or not understand them. The same way in that someone else might read the Hunger Games and not enjoy the violence and not want to read it for that reason. But these readers will find books that work for them? And you can’t just say “we shouldn’t have sex in YA” because for many people, reading is like…the only way they are going to learn about positive sexual relationships. So…the type of book that helped me when I was 15- books with sex- might not be the type of book that helps someone else. And that’s okay.
I mean…there are some 15 year old girls out there who don’t know that the female orgasm is a thing. They don’t necessarily know the basics of human anatomy or how sex works. They don’t necessarily know that it can be pleasurable for both people. Especially in a country like American where sex ed is really badly done and not the same across all states. Like…no class I took mentioned the clitoris okay. None. And a lot of girls in my grade were having sex as early as 14/15….
I just love this post. I mean it is so so good. “I also think that…plenty of YA novels include graphic violence. And I just fail to see how that is any more excusable than sex? Especially loving sex?”
I think that Romance novels can be great in understanding healthy sexual relationships. I mean yes, a lot of sex in novels can be unrealistic, but all of the things mentioned above? “books that include sex scenes w female pleasure? (both rowaelin’s scene and feysand’s) And emphasizes waiting for the right moment? (both again) And emphasizes knowing your partner well? And emphasizes trust in your partner (manorian). And emphasizes how it’s an important choice that needs consideration (elide)’ want the fantasy/unrealistic element. And there are plenty of books that do have more realistic portrayals of sex. For example in The Duchess War by Courtney Milan the couples first time is a bit awkward and the heroine doesn’t orgasm… but then she shows him how she finds pleasure on her own and teaches him how to bring her pleasure. I mean “According to Planned Parenthood statistics, as many as 1 in 3 women have trouble reaching orgasm when having sex. And as many as 80 percent of women have difficulty with orgasm from vaginal intercourse alone.” So I’m sure there were plenty of women out there that read that and thought “woah I’m not alone and I can speak up about not orgasming during sex” Especially since a lot of what women are exposed to about sex basically makes us feel as though we either need to never think about/want sex OR that we need to be porn stars in the sheets.
My experience with romance novels has been tricky though. As someone raised as a Christian in The South.. portrayals of The Sex always felt Taboo and like a huge no no. So for a book to have The Sex? I felt so ashamed to like it or to feel arousal. Based on the way people spoke about Sex (other than between husband and wife) I felt I either needed to skip the sex scenes or not read that book at all. And that is not to say that you can’t do those things if YOU are someone who is uncomfortable with sex… but I see now that rather than villainize portrayals of sex, it is better to have an open dialogue sex and what healthy sexual relationships look like. For the longest time reading romance/smut/erotica was something that I felt immensely guilty about. Because of the constant discussions around me about what it means to be Pure I felt Dirty for liking to read about sex. It was especially conflicting for me because many of these books featured healthy relationships.
Do you know what helped me view these books in a different light? Talking about these books with my husband (who was raised in an extremely strict denomination and an extremely conservative home). Talking with my mom (the Purity Culture ideas came more from church members, rather than directly from my parents, so she was not only helpful to talk to but she was baffled that I felt shame/guilt from reading about sex). And finally: You, tumblr. You helped me (Sarah Viehmann in particular has posted some awesome stuff.)
Something that came up repeatedly when talking to both my man and my mom was interpretation of scripture as well as the context (who said it? who was being spoken to? why was it being discussed? was there a specific issue being addressed? what is the literal translation?). They emphasized to me that the people I had listened to… those were their opinions and interpretations about the bible, and if that is how those people feel about it then that’s fine, BUT it doesn’t have to determine how I feel or how I associate with things. There is an entire book of the Bible devoted to sex. One article I’ve read (about an unrelated topic) mentioned this: “His body is polished ivory,” says the ESV, but according to Tremper, the Hebrew word for body refers to the man’s midsection and the image of ivory is intended to invoke the original form of ivory: an elephant’s tusk. Yes, that’s right. The wife in Song of Songs 5:14 is admiring her well-hung husband.”. And then my pastor (he and my church are amazing) did an entire study through the Song of Solomon and spoke about the literal translations of scripture, what the imagery was meant to invoke, the way the book references oral sex… So I kind of came to the realization that there is an entire book IN THE BIBLE talking about sex (even oral sex) and yet there I was beating myself up for reading about sex.
So anyway… maybe there IS someone out there who has problems with reading sex (for whatever reason), but just because they have a problem with it doesn’t mean that it’s okay to censor what others are comfortable with. I think the real issue here shouldn’t be sex in YA, it should be making sure that book content is properly marked/shelved.
Properly marking content is important. Or…idk, making it so that the readers can skip the sex scenes and still get all the plot? I mean we talk about SJM’s sex scenes, but really she has relatively few of them…which matters because there might be younger readers or readers who don’t want to read about sex. And so less sex scenes means less scenes they skip. And it’s completely possible to enjoy acomaf, for example, skipping the sex scenes.
I just feel like it’s better to have books with sex in them so that teenagers and women can learn about pleasurable sex and loving sex. Because a lot of main stream media is devoid of that content.
This.
Here I was, reading this truly fantastic post, and then do a double-take because my name is in here??? I’m so flattered??? I’m really thankful that what I’ve written and talked about has helped people navigate those tricky lines between sex and Christianity. Writing smut last year was what I needed to do–it was a way for me to express my sexuality in a way that was safe and comfortable for me. This year, so far, now that I’ve switched up my priorities a bit, I haven’t felt the need to write smut because my faith is filling that need instead (sorry guys … lol). Even though I don’t do it now, I don’t look back on it and feel guilt or shame, nor do I shame anyone else for writing it. But yes, it can be so difficult deprogramming the Purity Culture to develop healthy ideas about sex and intimacy. If I’ve played a small role in helping with that, I’m so honored. And if anyone ever has any questions about this topic, I’m more than happy to talk about it. Thanks @my-name-is-fireheart and @bkhrtn (for some reason your tag isn’t working)!
Don’t worry, it’s not rude! I answer questions like this all the time. I have more information in my ‘asexuality’ or ‘asexual’ tags as well. The short version is that I took a class on Transgender Literature in college when I was 20, and that was the first time I actually understood that sexual attraction was A Thing. Before that, I’d been raised in a church that essentially taught that female sexual desire didn’t exist, that male desire was the only thing that mattered. So, before I was 20, I had no idea that this was something I’d never felt. I started researching it, but it took me a good six months to actually accept it.
When it comes to figuring out your sexuality, just remember this: sexuality is fluid. I might identify as ace now, but I might identify different later in life! I might consider myself grey-biromantic right now, but it’s been a long time since I’ve had a crush on a girl and so maybe, down the line, that label won’t fit me anymore. And that’s okay! Lots of people consider themselves gay and later realize they’re bi. It doesn’t mean they were wrong in thinking they were gay–they were gay at that time and bisexual later. The categories are not as rigid as we’d like to believe. So, however you’re comfortable identifying right now is fine, and if it changes later, that doesn’t make you a bad person or a stereotype. It just makes you human. Hope that helps!
No worries! I actually have something of an answer for you. We aces usually divide our sexual and romantic orientations because of the same kind of problem, but you don’t have to be ace to do that! So you might consider yourself homo- or heterosexual (or even monosexual if neither of the other terms work for you) and biromantic (or polyromantic). As an example, I’m asexual but grey-biromantic (the grey- part just means it’s rare for me). I hope this was helpful!
Sarah Viehmann 